Estrangement is a painful and complex relationship experience, whether you’ve become estranged or are the one who has cut ties with a loved one.
Our recent story about the ambiguous loss that comes from family estrangement prompted many of you to share your own experiences.
We asked experts how you can begin healing from estrangement, whether that is through reconciliation or finding peace in accepting the relationship breakdown.
What is estrangement?
Estrangement is the emotional or physical separation between people where a formerly close relationship becomes distant, hostile, or ceases entirely.
Counsellor Poli Zoungas, who works on Gadigal land in Sydney and in Naarm/Melbourne, says estrangement may involve:
Poli Zoungas says sometimes reconciliation is not safe or appropriate.
- No contact or limited contact
- Emotional withdrawal despite ongoing interaction
- Unspoken tension, avoidance, or chronic conflict
She says family estrangement is especially common, but it can also occur in romantic relationships, friendships, and workplace dynamics.
It often carries feelings of “grief, anger, shame, self-doubt, relief, and unresolved longing”.
“For many people, estrangement is not a single event but the result of long-term conflict, unmet emotional needs, boundary violations, or deep misunderstandings,” Ms Zoungas says.
How to heal from an estrangement
Rachael Sharman, a lecturer and researcher in psychology from the University of the Sunshine Coast, on Kabi Kabi lands, recommends people impacted by estrangement seek professional support.
She says that could be through a counsellor, a psychologist, or a helpline.
“It’s not necessarily to deal with your emotions, it’s just to add a bit of an objective framework,” she says.
“Counsellors or psychologists are very skilled at seeing patterns and dynamics that you can’t.
“And then people can see a little bit more clearly what’s going on in the relationship.”
Dr Sharman says that can also help people make decisions about whether they wish to continue the estrangement or if reconciliation is possible.
Ms Zoungas says healing does not always mean reconciliation; it can be reducing emotional distress, gaining clarity and learning healthier ways to relate to others and to yourself.
“The healing exists through time, which allows for a calming,” she says.
“Whether you are seeking reconciliation, understanding, or peace … you do not have to navigate estrangement alone.”
A gradual ‘letting-in process’
After initiating a year-long estrangement from her parents, Anna, from New South Wales says she was “tired from the weight of the family hurt”.
“I’ve spent a small fortune on therapy over the years,” says Anna (not her real name).
“Working through both the ambiguous loss that comes from not having grown up in the safety of a healthy parent-child relationship and the impact it’s had on my adult relationships.”
She says she decided to reconnect with her parents in a gradual “letting-in process”.
Experts say healing conversations cannot happen when emotions are overwhelming. (Pexels: Gulsah Aydogan)
“I slowly allowed them back into my life,” she says.
“Ultimately, I had to find a degree of peace with the reality that my parents will likely never fully recognise and understand the harm.
“Ironically, accepting that realisation was cathartic in itself.”
She says boundaries in the relationship were established in an “unspoken way”.
“I believe our estrangement spoke volumes … I think everyone is more mindful of each other’s expectations and limits,” she says.
“I’ve had a good relationship with my parents in recent years.
“I don’t believe we’ll ever achieve real closeness due to our differences and the lack of trust between us, however we function as a family, which is a positive outcome.”
Relationship dynamics can change
Ms Zoungas says in her experience, every estrangement dynamic is different and what works for one may not work for another.
Before attempting to repair a relationship, she says it is essential to reflect on your emotional triggers, your role in the conflict and being aware of unmet needs and expectations.
“This is not about self-blame, but responsibility and growth,” she says.
“Healing conversations cannot happen when emotions are overwhelming so learning emotional regulation skills helps prevent escalation and defensiveness.”
She also recommends clarifying any boundaries and improving communication skills like active listening.
Dr Sharman says it’s important to keep in mind that relationship dynamics can fluctuate.
“For example, 28 per cent of siblings can expect to be estranged at some point from one of their siblings,” she says.
“There is research to suggest that people kind of come and go in each other’s lives for a variety of different reasons.
“So, estrangement might not necessarily be permanent, but then again, neither might reconciliation.”
When reconciliation is not appropriate
Our experts say it’s important to recognise that there are certain situations where reconciliation is not safe or appropriate.
In cases involving abuse, manipulation, or ongoing harm, reconciliation may not be healthy.
Healing may instead involve:
- Letting go of unrealistic hopes
- Grieving the relationship fully
- Strengthening self-worth and emotional resilience
Ms Zoungas says choosing distance can be “an act of self-respect, not failure”.
Dr Sharman recommends being cautious when someone with a history of being harmful, reaches out.
“I’ve heard from a lot of people who got sucked into the old deathbed reconciliation,” she says.
“‘Your mother’s dying, your father’s dying etc’, and in their head the child’s thinking that this is going to be some sort of closure or some sort of apology or reparations.
“[But] if you get any hint that there’s still that background issue with that person, it might be best to let sleeping dogs lie.”
